I pant and roll against Matthew, rubbing his chest and kissing up his neck. He chuckles and rolls on top of me, giving me a teasing smile. “Hey there, gorgeous.”
“Are you going to spend the night tonight?” I ask.
It’s one of the hurdles we haven’t crossed yet. Matthew plays with my fingers, then shifts to my side. He kisses my palm softly, then sighs. “Not tonight.”
“Is my bed that uncomfortable? Or do you snore? I’m a pretty heavy sleeper. I can handle most things. But if you kick me while I’m sleeping, that starts a full fight,” I warn.
He shakes his head and kisses me again. “Spending the night together is … special. More intimate than sex and it’s a thing couples do.”
“I’m working on it, Matthew.”
“We agreed that it was going to happen with the move. I’m not rushing you.” He promises.
“I already told Miles. Well, he kind of made me tell him, but I did. I think he knows that was our last time together.”
“And Gunner?”
I sigh. “He got me a few nights ago. I gave him a good night, and he gave me a good night, but I confirmed, Matthew. There’s nothing between me and Gunner. Nothing serious. He’s funny and fun. Sex is great, but that’s it.”
“Nick, Holden … Roman?”
I narrow my eyes and get out of bed. I don’t like him sparring with me like this. It’s been a near-constant conversation between us this last week. Him wondering if I’m going to regret being with just him. Him sure that I’m going to cave and end up wanting them again after a few weeks of just us.
“If you don’t trust me, just say it! If this conversation is going to continue when we’re in New York …”
“It’s not. I just want to make sure we’re both in this, Bella. That’s all.” He cups my face between his hands. “You can’t blame me for that. You’ve had the full attention of six guys. Undivided and complete attention of all six of us. Satisfying you, giving you our different personalities, giving you everything. How can I compare to that?”
I rub his sides and will him to understand. I just want him to read my mind. “You’re the one I have a future with, Matthew. You’re the one I know better than anyone else. You’re the one I want to build a life with.”
He takes a slow breath, then nods. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you. I’m in a hard place. Keeping this from my friends, wanting to have you all to myself. Being impatient.”
I kiss his neck. “You let me be independent and don’t try to take on the world for me. You’re supportive and sweet and wonderful. You are …” There are so many things. “You’re a person so far beyond anyone I thought I’d be lucky enough to meet. And knowing you want me … for more than just one night … I feel like it’s a miracle.”
He smiles and kisses me hungrily. We end up back in bed, but we just keep kissing, touching each other, and trying to show each other how we feel without saying the words. But then he’s gone and my room feels so cold.
I get through a shower and think about things here. Not just about things with Matthew, but things with all the guys. Holden keeps hiding from me. I don’t know what he’s hiding, but I know it’s something. Sometimes I think he wants to tell me and other times I think I’m just there for sex. Which is fine too because sometimes I am.
Nick and I … we have good conversations, but it’s just in the moment. We’re better as friends and colleagues. Miles and I had defined our relationship clearly and as far as I’m concerned we’re done now.
Roman is the troublesome one.
I press my head to my knees. How many times had I begged him to take me out to dinner? How many times had I begged him to stay after sex and cuddle me or talk to me? I tried so hard to get to know him.
I wanted to get to know him. Because, just like with Matthew, I felt potential there. It was small, not exactly the same as Matthew, but close. He just constantly shut it down, then would act like he owned me in bed.
That’s not fair.
It hurt every single time. Because I was dumb and wanted more than what we had agreed on. I shake my head. “Matthew is my future. We both want a serious relationship. It’s not like I can have them all.”
I say it again and again until I have it beaten into my head. Exhaling, I force myself out of the shower and get in bed.
In the morning, I pull on a pencil skirt and a button-up. Halfway through the day, I get a text from Holden asking me to come over tonight. That he’s missing my company. I agree immediately. Holden has never had me alone.
I’m kind of curious what it would be like. Or maybe I could have him and Nick together? Either way, it sounds like an amazing night. After work, I tease Matthew with an almost kiss then tap his nose. “You set the rule for no work stuff.”
He rubs my hand. “And I’ve lived to regret it.”
“It’ll be a good thing to remember in New York too.”
“But in New York, I’ll be able to come home to you. It’ll make all the difference.”
I feel myself blush and swoon at the same time.
Matthew tugs me closer. “Maybe I’ll even be the one making dinner while you work your way up the company until you take my job.”
I giggle and tease him a little before I get to the point. “I’m going to your place tonight. I made plans with Holden and I decided it’s also a good time to end it.”
“Okay. Have fun.” He kisses my cheek. “You deserve it with all this overtime.”
And that’s exactly what I intend on doing. I end up being shared by Holden and Nick. We go at least three rounds and try some amazing positions like they’ve been pent up and saved it all for me. But I notice that Holden doesn’t want to get on his knees tonight. He’s a bit more stiff than normal, especially on round three.
I’m surprised. I know how muscular he is, how strong he is. I wonder if something’s wrong. We finish and I lay with Nick on the bed while Holden stretches and groans. His pants dip down further than normal and I catch something just under his knee.
He follows my gaze and jerks up his pants. I look over at him. “Hold, you want to shower?”
“No.”
“what was-”
“Nothing.” He walks out of the room quickly.
I blink a few times then look at Nick. He rubs my hip. “It’s not for me to tell, baby.”
“That’s a cop-out. How have I been with you guys for this long and I still don’t know the big stuff?”
“Because this is casual and I know it’s temporary, Bella. Didn’t you say that once too?”
“I did.” I nod. I roll to face Nick. “Thank you for cuddling me.”
He smiles and kisses my forehead. “Serious or not, I’m not just going to come and go … literal or otherwise.”
I smile and kiss him again slowly. I stroke over his chest. I take a slow breath. “This will be the last time like this, Nicky.”
“Hmm? Where we cuddle?”
I shake my head. “Where we have sex.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m telling you guys one at a time, but we’re getting closer to moving and when we do, I’m ending the relationship we’ve been sharing.”
“I see. Are you staying here?”
“No. I’m going …” Why is this suddenly so hard? I swallow.
“If you cry, I’m going to cry, Bella.”
“Matthew and I are close and we want to really try to be together. I told Miles. I was going to tell Holden, but he’s … gone. But I’m doing it slowly. So it’s not overwhelming or like … a conference meeting.”
He chuckles and cups my face. “You and Matthew will be happy together, sweetie.”
“I hope so.” I laugh, then bite my bottom lip. “Is it weird that I consider you a good friend, Nick?”
“No. I’m honored.” He rubs my hand and kisses me softly. “I’m going to miss these moments.”
I lean my head on his shoulder and sigh heavily. That’s two down.
I find Holden in the kitchen and rub his back. I kiss his shoulder. “You can tell me things, Holden.”
“It’s nothing, Bella. Thank you for coming over.”
I take a step back after that dismissal. Holden has never been the warmest person. But he’s never been rude. I narrow my eyes. “I don’t want things to be like this between us.”
He sighs. “I’m not going to open up about some things. That’s just the way it is.”
But I know that I still need to pack and clean which, alongside work, is probably going to take me a solid week. I barely have four days to do all this. And now I’m frustrated. I hate feeling rejected like this. Feeling like I’m only good enough for sex and nothing more. Friends with benefits is fine, but this isn’t acceptable.
“Then you’ll be happy about what I’m going to say.”
He looks up at my tone.
“This was our last night together. We can still be friends, but since that requires opening up, I don’t know if that’s in the cards for us. Either way, I look forward to continuing our working relationship.”
He gapes at me. “What? Because I wouldn’t talk about one thing?”
“No. Because it’s time. We knew this was temporary. With the move coming up, it’s the best time to do this. And you’re right. Neither of us have opened up. We’ve just enjoyed each other which is great, but now … it’s time to be done. I wanted us to end on a good note, but I guess that’s not in the cards.”
“Bella!” He calls.
I stop but don’t face him. He sighs and slowly comes to rub my sides. He kisses my neck and I have to fight myself. Holden’s so damn gentle when he wants to be. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry that I frustrated you.”
“It’s okay.” I turn in his arms and kiss him softly. “You never let me get confused about things and I appreciate that.”
He moves my hair from my face. I sniff. “I’m sorry I lashed out.”
He gives me a hint of a smile. “I’m sorry I did the same. We’ll make better colleagues than lovers.”
I hug him anyway and sigh. A throat clears and I see Gunner. His eyes are red-rimmed and I can tell he’s frustrated based on the twitch in the corner of his mouth.
“What’s this about being done?”
“We can still talk and say goodbye if you want, but … well … you heard everything else.”
He considers that then walks over to me, kissing me hungrily and crushing me against him. I whimper, but my mouth responds. He’s so familiar and warm. Even if there’s nothing but chemistry between us, I know that I got lucky.
“Were you even going to tell me?” He demands.
“Gunner, I-”
He just shakes his head and walks away. I bite my bottom lip and force myself not to follow. If I do, it’ll be giving him false hope. Holden rubs my shoulder. “He’ll be okay. He just has to feel it first.”
“I hope I’m not his first taste of rejection.”
“Not his first, and certainly not his last,” Holden promises.
I thank him and head home. Only one person left. I play with my fingers as I think about that, nearly missing the light turning green. Roman is going to be the challenge.
