“Hey, thanks again for unlocking that phone for me the other night,” I said. I sat on my cousin’s couch in her small two-bedroom cottage, her huge-ass boyfriend, strike that, fiancé, taking up most of the cushion space beside me.
“No problem,” Josh said. “Were you able to track Lauren down and switch them out?”
“Yeah, at church.”
He sat forward, eyes narrowed, a sly grin tugging at his mouth. “Aaand?” he prodded. “How’d it go?”
“Fine,” I said, trying not to think about how Lauren felt milking the head of my cock or the way she silently shuddered through an orgasm while a group of old men held a lively discussion just outside the confessional. I’d never think about baseball the same way again.
There was a game on now, but Josh had the volume so low I could barely hear the announcers. It was just an excuse anyway, a reason for the two of us to get together.
A pathetic mewl sounded from right behind me, all the warning I had before a gray blur streaked over my shoulder and a fuzzy kitten landed in my lap.
“Maud,” I said, “I see you still haven’t learned any manners.”
In response, she jumped sideways at me, swatted my hand, and then dove off the couch. Fred, their other cat, streaked toward her out of nowhere, and together they went racing into the kitchen.
“Fine?” Josh said, not knowing when to let the conversation drop. “Really? That’s all you’re going to give me after I slaved away for you for hours—”
“Minutes,” I corrected.
“Cracking open her phone and then illegally—”
“Which you seemed fine with.”
“Uploading a tracker to run in the background, while you told me absolutely nothing—”
“Because you suck at keeping secrets from Aly.”
“About who Lauren is and why she’s so important to you.”
I feigned nonchalance. “Who said anything about her being important?”
Josh scoffed. “Come on, man. This is the first time you’ve even mentioned a woman’s name around me. And I can too keep secrets from Aly.”
“Like what?” I asked.
The taunting grin slipped off Josh’s face, a cold creeping into his eyes that I’d only seen a handful of times before. This look, this look right here was why we were friends. Because beneath the laughter and bullshit was another side to Josh, something vicious and dangerous that made even hardened criminals tread lightly in his presence. It was the same darkness I battled daily, and being around him, seeing him so happy and clearly in love with my cousin made me feel like there was hope for me still, like I might win the fight against my own demons.
He sat back. “Like what I said to your dad to get him to leave me the fuck alone.”
I perked up, wondering if I was finally going to learn what happened between the two of them. “And that was?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to know.” He frowned. “Hey, what happened after we left dinner? You’ve seemed off since.”
I eyed him, thinking about pressing the subject, but if Josh wasn’t ready to tell me yet, I didn’t want to strain our friendship by pushing him. “Dad wants me to head a new operation.”
Josh swore. “I thought you wanted out.”
“I do want out,” I told him, watching Maud and Fred go racing past us again. “If anything, him handing more control over to me only upped my timeline. I’m already toying with the idea of taking on a business venture, but I might need some help with it.”
His expression turned hopeful. “Illegal help?”
“Is there any other kind?”
“Not in my field of expertise. What did you have in mind?”
“Nothing that you’ll need your Porno Joe alter ego for,” I said, recalling the stupid mustache and glasses he’d worn the first time I met him.
He barked a laugh. “Just digital work then?”
I nodded. “I need you to find out everything you can about a man named Patrick McKinney who owns a building over on the West Side.”
“One sec.” Josh set his beer down and vaulted the back of the couch, because he couldn’t just walk around it like a normal person. The house shook as he ran toward the bedroom, and a blur of color had me turning my head to watch both cats go streaking after him.
“Oh, you think you’re gonna get me?” he yelled, before dropping his voice a whole octave, sounding like a Batman wannabe. “I’m gonna get youuu!”
Fred sprinted back into the living room and turned, fluffing up sideways as Josh came running after him. Josh slid to a stop. They eyed each other. Fred let out a loud chirrup and charged Josh, who turned and ran back out of sight.
I’d said it before, and I’d say it again: Cat people were fucking weird.
A loud scuffle broke out in the bedroom, confirming my belief.
“Hey, no,” Josh said. “She’s just a baby, Fred. You have to be gentle. Ow, Maud. What was that for? I didn’t do it, he did.”
God help Aly if they ever had kids.
Eventually, Josh reemerged carrying his laptop. He set it on the coffee table, and an hour later, I had all the dirt on McKinney I could ever want. He was sixty-eight, had been married twice, was a diabetic, owned not one but four buildings in Velvet’s neighborhood, and was deeply in debt. Not with lenders or credit card companies. It turned out McKinney had a bit of a gambling problem, which was a weakness that would be all too easy to exploit.
My entire life was spent in the shadows of this city, and I knew almost every key player in it, including the people who ran the illegal gambling dens. A couple of phone calls was all it would take to find out who McKinney’s bookie was or who he owed the most money to, and then I could start applying pressure. Debts could be bought, usually at a steep discount, since my money was a guarantee and people who racked up astronomical tabs had a habit of not paying them, at least not without a little prompting. Most modern bookies tended to get squeamish about breaking kneecaps. If there was a way for them to recoup most of their money without having to spill blood, they would take it, leaving the ugly work to someone else. Someone like me.
“Sooo,” Josh said, closing his laptop and leaning back. “Do I get to know what this is all about?”
“No,” I said. “You know Aly’s rule about keeping you out of mob shit.”
His expression became the picture of innocence. “But I thought this wasn’t mob shit? I thought this was about you going legit?”
I eyed him for a moment, debating. This thing with Lauren was all-consuming, and I was so stuck in my head about everything that it would be a relief to bounce some of it off someone else, get their take on how bad I was fucking up. I’d meant to apologize to Lauren yesterday and then have a real conversation, not desecrate a holy space with her.
I felt stuck, alone, not even able to talk to my own brothers about my life, because I couldn’t trust them not to turn around and tell our father everything I said. Which wasn’t a dig on them so much as a condemnation of him. Our old man had turned coercion into a fine art, and I wouldn’t put it past him to resort to threatening my brothers just to get the dirt on me. I especially didn’t trust him with any information about Lauren. His dislike of her seemed personal, and I was betting it had a lot to do with what he saw as her “negative” effect on me ten years ago. He’d felt his influence over me slipping, something that was anathema to a control freak like him, and he’d decided she was the one to blame.
So, no. I couldn’t talk to my family, but Josh had proved that he could hold his own.
I turned back to the TV, eyes unfocused, my decision made. “Lauren and I grew up together in the old neighborhood.”
While the baseball game moved into the sixth inning, I laid out everything, my childhood crush, the night of the fireworks, Tommy’s threats, my abandonment of Lauren, how I tried to make up for it with Kelly and our principal, and almost everything else I’d done to keep her safe and help her achieve her goals. I skipped my involvement in Tommy’s “disappearance,” because that really was mob shit, and while I told Josh about my interest in Velvet for Lauren’s sake, I kept my own growing personal interest in the club to myself. Yes, I was finally opening up, but I doubted I’d ever discuss my sex life with another man, especially one—gag—sleeping with my cousin.
Josh let out a low whistle when I was done and drained the rest of his beer. “Have you told Lauren how long you’ve been looking out for her?”
“I slipped up and mentioned something, but I haven’t gone into detail. Women tend to frown at being stalked.”
“Mhmm, mhmm,” Josh said, nodding rapidly.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He broke eye contact, looking anywhere except at me. “Do you plan on stopping now that Lauren knows?”
I shook my head. “I’m not decent enough to do that, especially because I know how dangerous this city is. The thought of her just walking around out there is giving me an ulcer.”
“Love will do that to you,” Josh said.
Fuck. Was that what this was? Love? Had I loved Lauren this whole time? I mean, I knew I had as a teen, but in a puppy-love kind of way that didn’t seem too serious. Grown-up love was something else entirely, and I’d never loved anyone else romantically, so I had nothing to compare my feelings to.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, talking more to myself than Josh. “I don’t think Lauren wants anything serious with a man like me.”
“But you’re trying to get out,” Josh said. “Wouldn’t that clear the way for you two?”
I shook my head. “I’m trying. Doesn’t mean Dad will let me go that easily. And anyway, I’m pretty sure I might have already ruined it.”
I filled him in on the last few days since I’d seen Lauren. She and I hadn’t talked much after church, only enough for her to tell me that she needed some space before we spoke again and that just because she’d hooked up with me didn’t mean she forgave me for stalking her. She’d also confessed to wondering if I was ashamed of her. So far, I’d always worn a mask in the club, and anytime we met outside of it was in secret. She hadn’t missed the way that I’d snuck into church so my parents wouldn’t see us together, and I couldn’t blame her for misinterpreting why.
“Are you ashamed of her?” Josh asked.
“Fuck, no,” I told him.
He eyed me. “It’s not easy for a lot of people, dating someone who gets others off for a living.”
Something about the way he said it made it feel like he was speaking from experience, but he was a hacker, so what the hell would he know about it?
“I don’t care that she gets other people off,” I said.
“Are you sure?” he pressed. “Like, really sure? I can only imagine what Lauren’s inbox looks like. If you do manage to free yourself from your dad, you need to figure out how you feel about Lauren continuing with her work even while you’re dating. Most of us were raised to expect sexual monogamy from our partners, and some of those ingrained beliefs are hard to overcome.”
I shook my head. “Trust me, I’m sure. I’ve had years to come to terms with Lauren’s work. I don’t give a fuck what she does online as long as it’s just me and her offline.”
“So you do want to be with her,” Josh said.
I blew out a frustrated breath. “Have you not been listening this whole time?”
“I have, and I’ve been hearing a lot of mixed messages. It sounds like as much as you like or maybe even love this woman, you’re still finding excuses to not tell her you want something serious.”
I rubbed my hands over my face. I’d agreed to keep it casual because I didn’t want to get either of our hopes up for something long-term only to have to bail if my dad found some way to force me to keep working for him. Or threatened Lauren’s safety. But I couldn’t keep my distance anymore either. If the only way to be with her was by keeping things casual, then I would keep them casual. Also . . .
“I hurt her once already,” I told Josh. “I don’t want to do it again.”
“What makes you so sure you will?” Josh asked.
I dropped my hands and faced him, letting my own monster shine through. “Because all I do is hurt people.”
That shut him up.
I looked back to the TV, my mind working through the quagmire I’d created for myself with Lauren. “How do I prove that I don’t have a problem with her work or that I’m not ashamed of her?”
“Bring her to our engagement party,” Josh said.
I pulled my eyes from the baseball game to look at him. “What?”
“We’re having it this weekend. Just our closest friends. It’ll be small, and you’re the only Trocci we’re inviting. No one there will know you besides me and Aly, and you can trust us to keep our mouths shut about Lauren.”
“Isn’t meeting the family kind of a big deal?”
Josh shrugged. “Tell her it’s more like a casual barbecue and you don’t want to go alone.”
I mulled it over. As far as ideas went, it wasn’t the worst one I’d heard. I just had to find a way to convince Lauren to go with me.
