I admit that thoughts influence the body.
—Albert Einstein
LANA
My life has started revolving around the chime of a phone. Well, for the past five months, it’s been like that, but a different phone. Usually it’s the cloned phone that has me leaping and rushing around to grab it. Not my actual phone. Not until Agent Logan Bennett a couple of weeks ago.
LOGAN: Craig just asked if you were gay.
ME: Who’s Craig?
LOGAN: You have no idea how much I enjoy that answer. In fact, I just drew a few curious looks about why I’m laughing.
I have no clue why he finds that so funny.
ME: Seriously, who’s Craig?
LOGAN: I really want to see you again.
ME: Well, let’s just both quit our jobs so we can finally have a date.
LOGAN: With the dead ends I’m finding on all my cases, I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t time for a career change.
ME: If it makes you feel any better, I contemplated a career change too. Met a guy yesterday who was trading all his wife’s dildos for a pressure washer. -.- The wife was furious when I showed up to inspect the quality of her “toys.”
At least that’s true. I hate the times I have to lie to him.
LOGAN: I just spat coffee all over my desk.
ME: How coincidental. She was apparently a spitter too. The husband informed me of that as if I wanted to know. #overshare
LOGAN: Stop. Please stop. Everyone here thinks I’m insane for laughing this hard.
ME: It wasn’t the most awkward encounter I’ve had, but it certainly won’t make any of my highlight reels either.
LOGAN: So the dildos didn’t get traded for the pressure washer?
ME: Nope. And I learned that she’ll need them more than ever, since he won’t be touching her for a while, according to her. He wasn’t happy when I left. Apparently it was my fault for showing up an hour early, because she would have been gone otherwise.
LOGAN: Okay. You win. I can’t compete with that.
ME: #LifeGoals
LOGAN: Do you always go to the coffee shop where I met you?
ME: Umm…that’s an abrupt shift in convo, but yes, I do. I moved here a little over a month ago, and that was the first decent cup I found.
LOGAN: Then I wish I had stopped there sooner than that day. I had some downtime two weeks earlier. We could have been doing this in person then.
ME: You don’t always go there?
LOGAN: That was my first time. Craig and I went to address some of the higher-ups about some security measures. We only stopped in that day because our regular spot was closed for renovations.
ME: Oh THAT’s Craig!
LOGAN: You seriously didn’t remember his name?
ME: I only retain the names of people I like or want to kill.
I cringe when I read that back, realizing that’s not a good joke—even though it’s true—to make to a FBI agent.
LOGAN: Hope I’m on the right list.
I blow out a breath, then smile at the morbid joke, now that I know he’s not taking it seriously.
ME: You are. Currently, you’re at the top of the right list. It’s been a while since I smiled like I do when we talk.
LOGAN: I should have kissed you.
My heart thumps in my chest as I read that back. Then I read it again. And again. And again.
Each time it causes my stomach to flutter, and I try to process all the weird reactions I have to him. He makes me feel and act like the person I never thought I could be again, and I barely know him. I’ve only seen him twice.
Yet, we don’t miss a day speaking. And it’s the highlight of my day.
Every day.
Every time.
Every single word.
ME: Yes. You should have. Then I could have been spared the awkward wave I gave.
LOGAN: But the REALLY awkward wave was cute.
ME: Ha. Funny guy. I see how it is. It’s been a while since I tried the dating scene.
Actually, it’s only been about seven months, but as always, the interest level died after about a month, because all the feelings I wanted to feel never emerged. There’d be a fraction of the spark I feel with Logan, and I’d try to force it, desperate to feel anything other than anger, hatred, rage…brokenness.
I thought I’d lost that ability. I thought they’d taken it somehow.
Then along came exactly what I had been searching for since before I started the kill list. The problem is the fact he’s sort of my opposite in the not so good way. Meaning, I kill people and he catches killers. And I can’t stop. I wish I hadn’t met him so early on in my list.
There are still many more names on my list. I still have to right so many wrongs. My phone chimes, and I look down, smiling before I can help myself.
LOGAN: Then I definitely should have kissed you.
